Cope With Grieving

Feelings come and go like the wind. When we grieve, feelings can be overwhelming. It can be hard to know how we feel. One moment things may even seem ok… or even good… Then the waves come and we are overcome with the unimaginable strength of our feelings.

Sometimes others are uncomfortable with feelings and want you to move too quickly out of feeling sad. But, sadness is a very normal part of grieving, as is anger, and loneliness, and so many other feelings. When we lose someone we love…feelings of all sorts come to the surface.

Feelings need no judgement. They are just what they are…”feelings”. They are to be honoured and felt in whatever way we need to feel them. When we pay attention to our feelings and allow ourselves to safely feel them, we find healing. When we ignore our feelings and expect ourselves to move too quickly through our grief, they will catch up with us later.

Make sure you give yourself and those around you permission to feel their grief. Don’t rush this process or let others rush it for you. If you find yourself stuck in your feelings ask someone to help you move through them.

Remember… BE with your feelings. Feel them. Let them move through you to healing.

There are so many ways to do this grieving process. One person manages it one way and another person in the very same type of situation…deals with it so differently. This is because we are truly very unique and come from such a variety of backgrounds.

People sometimes look at someone who is grieving and have some ideas about how they should be going through their process. Some might say, “move on…you are not moving on”, when it is only a few months since the death. Others might say, “you cannot do this or that so soon.”

Sometimes others are there to really help us to notice that we are not moving in healthier ways and they may be right. But at other times…this is just their agenda that doesn’t fit for us.

Although it is not wise to make major decisions when grieving, we are each so unique. What may be helpful for one may not be for another. It is wise to listen to our friends and then decide for ourselves if their thoughts are true for us.

In my experience with people who grieve…everyone has different needs. Some may grieve in a healthier way than others. Still, we all heal in different ways and in a different amount of time, from our emotional pain. We understand that this is the way with our bodies; why wouldn’t it be the same with our souls?

Sometimes we pressure ourselves to move forward when we are not ready and need to slow ourselves down. At other times we get a bit stuck in our grieving process and need someone to help us to gently move from that place. Still others might have turned to addictions or other things to cope…and need to get some help to allow their pain in a healthier manner.

There is no perfect way to grieve. There are just ways that are more healthy than others. We just need to honor our own process and our own feelings. Then we can make healthy choices that are healing for our soul.

Blessings as you gently follow your heart.

Some days are just as they are. Some moments are just as they are. We have moments of “missing”. We have moments of laughter often followed by moments of extreme sadness. Then sometimes we experience an angry moment. Often these unexpected feelings come unawares, as if to sneak up on us.

These feelings are such natural parts of the grieving process although it sure may not feel like it at the time. Sometimes folks even feel like they are going nuts with the different emotions that seem to be so intense. Some feel afraid that they are going crazy. I have heard this lots. Yet you are experiencing some very, very normal things and so you are in very, very good company.

When your emotions and feelings come and go like this. Just move with them. When you need to feel sad…just do so (a good cry is so very good for the grieving soul). If you need to be mad…then be angry (Just don’t hurt anyone else in the process). Move graciously with your grief, honoring your feelings and your process.

When you feel overwhelmed just remind yourself that this is normal. You will survive this. You will indeed heal in time, if you allow and honour your feelings. Just take your grieving feelings with a deep breath of patience. May you feel the closeness of the loving arms of the “Healer of your Soul” in these dark times.

Often in the grieving process, things change from one day to the next, one moment to the next. It is even difficult to answer the question - “How are you doing?” As you might be fine that moment (whatever fine is) and not really sure the next. It is really such an unpredictable experience. At least it feels like it.

Some feel so victim to their feelings and circumstances. Others feel hopeless in the helplessness of it all. You might seem to be able to take charge and make choices that are healthy and even happy one moment. In the next moment you might feel like you are just plain shipwrecked and definitely sea-sick.

Just know that these kind of feelings are very normal. Just be with each experience, and know that you will move through it; if you are being healthy in it. When you are sad…be sad. When you are mad…be mad. And so on.

Just don’t allow your sadness to take over your whole being; as you will be creating helplessness. Don’t allow your anger to bring you to the place where you hurt yourself or others. You have more control over this process than you think. Your mind is a very powerful friend in this process.

Try to find a balance in your grieving and you will find balance in your grieving, hurting soul.

* The next time your sadness overwhelms you…feel it for a time, then allow yourself to move into doing something that brings life to your soul (even if you don’t feel that it is possible). It is amazing how this movement can help your feelings move too.

I liken grieving to a dance. It is “a movement” not “a standing still”. You are moving with your feelings, your fears, your loved one who has gone. You are trying to release them…trying to find a new way to step without them.

It is important in this dance to let your grief lead you . It will show you the way to dance the dance without your loved one.

“How do I do this?” I hear you saying. I know I have said -”How do I do this?”- myself. We cannot know the next step until the next step presents itself. We can only be present to that part of the dance for that moment.

It is most comforting to me to think of the “Healer of My Soul” as leading my healing dance. I can then know with certainty that I will indeed dance my mourning dance and that it will move into a dance of living. When I trust this…my soul is comforted. I am not alone.

“Lo I am with you always,” Jesus says to us. Does this mean even now…when I feel so abandoned. When I feel so much grief I think my soul could burst. When the morning sun just reminds me of another day without my precious loved one. When the night time sky only reminds me of the one I go to sleep without.

Yes. This promise is especially for us during these times. Sometimes it is hard to imagine that this is true…that we haven’t just been left on this earth to suffer alone.

I am here to just remind you that although this may be how it feels. The reality is that we are never left alone by the “the great healer of our souls.”

We are loved deeply always…and I truly believe that we are loved to the very core of our pain even more when we are hurting.

Trust this. Look for places that you might notice “your great healer”. When it seems like none can be found…listen to these words..”Lo I Am With You Always.”

Peace and comfort to you in these painful moments and days.

Fall is upon us. The golden leaves hang precariously from the branches of the trees. Sometimes hanging as precariously as we feel. Then without warning they let go. They allow their journey to the ground.

This is like our releasing into this grieving and letting go. We hang on, with all we have, to that precious life. The need to hang on is deep within our being. One day, it becomes time to let go. We let go, but not of the beauty of the life; but we let go of the depths of our pain. We allow…

First, there is a time where we hang on the branches of the tree. We are there quite a while. In time, our grieving changes, transforms into a different color. Later we allow our loved one to release into the ground.

As we release, room is made for new life. We can enter into life in a new way. The beautiful leaf of the life of our loved one is allowed to go into the ground. We open to new life .

All this takes time. This “allowing” does not happen immediately. It is a process, sometimes every so gently as a leaf; sometimes harshly like an ocean wave. In time we heal and in time we open. But first we must hurt.

May it comfort you to know that you will not hurt this deeply forever. One day you too will be able to allow and release. New life will come back to you…in time.

Peace to your struggle…
Peace to your grieving transformation…
Peace to your falling leaves…

As the leaves fall, the trees are now pretty barren in our yard. How about yours? There is a bareness that waits to be covered up with the love of some soft snow. Grieving is the most barren time in our lives. It just doesn’t get any more bare.

Yet, you know there is a strange beauty in this barren time…in these desert moments. When death comes we are faced with the bareness in our souls and it draws us to our creator. It strips us of the clutter of our material world and just brings us back to our soul.

I hated the painful process of grieving the death of my daughter. But I did not hate the clarity that comes with that barren time. It was then where life seemed the most clear to me. Things just became crystal clear deep in my soul and I could see life so much clearer than I ever did before.

All one needs to do is become open to the gift in this barren time and often we cannot see it until it has past… That too is ok.

Peace to you in your painful barren moments. May you find the blessing of clarity in those times. May you experience the love of God in ways you normally never would during these times.

A few weeks ago, we had Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada. When people are grieving it is so very difficult to be thankful. Sometimes life can look pretty black. Even the fall colors can seem black. The branches of our lives can look pretty bleak.

So what are we thankful for in the grieving process. This is a different kind of thanksgiving. This is a thanksgiving that is not full of joy that jumps around. This is often a joy that we need to look for, deep within us; past all our pain.

It is a deep peace. Although we hurt to the depths of our beings; we are not alone.

We can be thankful for the fact that the great “Healer of our Soul” does not leave us. The “Healer” is especially close to us when we are hurting. We can be thankful for friends who love us and hold us in our pain.

We can be thankful for those we still have with us. We can be thankful that although we can see no color in the autumn leaves at first, the color will and does return in time. We have been created amazingly. We have been created to heal.

And we can be so thankful for the love and life of the person who has now left us. For without them we would not be fully who we are.

Thank you God…even in the deep pain of my grieving. Thank you God for hope of better days and that you never leave me.

I have heard much about the “bad” days people have when in their grieving. I remember them well. These are the days when things are worse than usual.

These are the days when the waves seem to wash over you just a little harder with no end in sight. These are the days when the tears just seem to want to flow without stopping. Possibly you feel like sobbing without stopping and you can find no tears left in you.

The statement is often made, “This has been a bad day”.

So what does one do when the days feel worse than usual and your heart feels like it is going to break into a million pieces on the floor?

These are the days to be gentle with you. These are the days to allow others to comfort you. These are the days to swim your way through in whatever way you need to.

These days will come and go, and over time there will be fewer and fewer of them. So be in your bad days and allow your grief. Allow your tears to heal you and allow others to help. For this is what these days are for.

Peace to you in the days when you feel like you cannot go on. Just know that the “Healer of your Soul” holds you just a bit tighter and closer on those days. You are not alone.