Cope With Grieving

Fall is upon us. The golden leaves hang precariously from the branches of the trees. Sometimes hanging as precariously as we feel. Then without warning they let go. They allow their journey to the ground.

This is like our releasing into this grieving and letting go. We hang on, with all we have, to that precious life. The need to hang on is deep within our being. One day, it becomes time to let go. We let go, but not of the beauty of the life; but we let go of the depths of our pain. We allow…

First, there is a time where we hang on the branches of the tree. We are there quite a while. In time, our grieving changes, transforms into a different color. Later we allow our loved one to release into the ground.

As we release, room is made for new life. We can enter into life in a new way. The beautiful leaf of the life of our loved one is allowed to go into the ground. We open to new life .

All this takes time. This “allowing” does not happen immediately. It is a process, sometimes every so gently as a leaf; sometimes harshly like an ocean wave. In time we heal and in time we open. But first we must hurt.

May it comfort you to know that you will not hurt this deeply forever. One day you too will be able to allow and release. New life will come back to you…in time.

Peace to your struggle…
Peace to your grieving transformation…
Peace to your falling leaves…

A few weeks ago, we had Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada. When people are grieving it is so very difficult to be thankful. Sometimes life can look pretty black. Even the fall colors can seem black. The branches of our lives can look pretty bleak.

So what are we thankful for in the grieving process. This is a different kind of thanksgiving. This is a thanksgiving that is not full of joy that jumps around. This is often a joy that we need to look for, deep within us; past all our pain.

It is a deep peace. Although we hurt to the depths of our beings; we are not alone.

We can be thankful for the fact that the great “Healer of our Soul” does not leave us. The “Healer” is especially close to us when we are hurting. We can be thankful for friends who love us and hold us in our pain.

We can be thankful for those we still have with us. We can be thankful that although we can see no color in the autumn leaves at first, the color will and does return in time. We have been created amazingly. We have been created to heal.

And we can be so thankful for the love and life of the person who has now left us. For without them we would not be fully who we are.

Thank you God…even in the deep pain of my grieving. Thank you God for hope of better days and that you never leave me.

There arises the question from so many, “I found myself feeling happy again, for awhile today. Am I allowed to feel this way?”

Of course you are. Grieving is not just about feeling sad and lousy. There are times when the sun shines on our grieving hearts for awhile and gives us a rest from our pain. It is during these times that we can find hope that one day life will return to our hearts.

It is during these moments that we realize that there is a point to living this life, even without our loved one.

These warm moments come and go, just like the difficult ones. We need both to heal. In fact if we only felt just sadness for too long we might find ourselves depressed.

So just allow both the sad and the “a bit more happy” moments in your process. Both will guide you. Both will heal you. Soon as you weave your way through your many different feelings you will find that you have woven a tapestry of color and life… even midst the pain of your loss.

Pain and sorrow, tears and joy…will all lead you to healing.

Some days are just as they are. Some moments are just as they are. We have moments of “missing”. We have moments of laughter often followed by moments of extreme sadness. Then sometimes we experience an angry moment. Often these unexpected feelings come unawares, as if to sneak up on us.

These feelings are such natural parts of the grieving process although it sure may not feel like it at the time. Sometimes folks even feel like they are going nuts with the different emotions that seem to be so intense. Some feel afraid that they are going crazy. I have heard this lots. Yet you are experiencing some very, very normal things and so you are in very, very good company.

When your emotions and feelings come and go like this. Just move with them. When you need to feel sad…just do so (a good cry is so very good for the grieving soul). If you need to be mad…then be angry (Just don’t hurt anyone else in the process). Move graciously with your grief, honoring your feelings and your process.

When you feel overwhelmed just remind yourself that this is normal. You will survive this. You will indeed heal in time, if you allow and honour your feelings. Just take your grieving feelings with a deep breath of patience. May you feel the closeness of the loving arms of the “Healer of your Soul” in these dark times.

Often in the grieving process, things change from one day to the next, one moment to the next. It is even difficult to answer the question - “How are you doing?” As you might be fine that moment (whatever fine is) and not really sure the next. It is really such an unpredictable experience. At least it feels like it.

Some feel so victim to their feelings and circumstances. Others feel hopeless in the helplessness of it all. You might seem to be able to take charge and make choices that are healthy and even happy one moment. In the next moment you might feel like you are just plain shipwrecked and definitely sea-sick.

Just know that these kind of feelings are very normal. Just be with each experience, and know that you will move through it; if you are being healthy in it. When you are sad…be sad. When you are mad…be mad. And so on.

Just don’t allow your sadness to take over your whole being; as you will be creating helplessness. Don’t allow your anger to bring you to the place where you hurt yourself or others. You have more control over this process than you think. Your mind is a very powerful friend in this process.

Try to find a balance in your grieving and you will find balance in your grieving, hurting soul.

* The next time your sadness overwhelms you…feel it for a time, then allow yourself to move into doing something that brings life to your soul (even if you don’t feel that it is possible). It is amazing how this movement can help your feelings move too.

Feelings come and go like the wind. When we grieve, feelings can be overwhelming. It can be hard to know how we feel. One moment things may even seem ok… or even good… Then the waves come and we are overcome with the unimaginable strength of our feelings.

Sometimes others are uncomfortable with feelings and want you to move too quickly out of feeling sad. But, sadness is a very normal part of grieving, as is anger, and loneliness, and so many other feelings. When we lose someone we love…feelings of all sorts come to the surface.

Feelings need no judgement. They are just what they are…”feelings”. They are to be honoured and felt in whatever way we need to feel them. When we pay attention to our feelings and allow ourselves to safely feel them, we find healing. When we ignore our feelings and expect ourselves to move too quickly through our grief, they will catch up with us later.

Make sure you give yourself and those around you permission to feel their grief. Don’t rush this process or let others rush it for you. If you find yourself stuck in your feelings ask someone to help you move through them.

Remember… BE with your feelings. Feel them. Let them move through you to healing.

There are so many ways to do this grieving process. One person manages it one way and another person in the very same type of situation…deals with it so differently. This is because we are truly very unique and come from such a variety of backgrounds.

People sometimes look at someone who is grieving and have some ideas about how they should be going through their process. Some might say, “move on…you are not moving on”, when it is only a few months since the death. Others might say, “you cannot do this or that so soon.”

Sometimes others are there to really help us to notice that we are not moving in healthier ways and they may be right. But at other times…this is just their agenda that doesn’t fit for us.

Although it is not wise to make major decisions when grieving, we are each so unique. What may be helpful for one may not be for another. It is wise to listen to our friends and then decide for ourselves if their thoughts are true for us.

In my experience with people who grieve…everyone has different needs. Some may grieve in a healthier way than others. Still, we all heal in different ways and in a different amount of time, from our emotional pain. We understand that this is the way with our bodies; why wouldn’t it be the same with our souls?

Sometimes we pressure ourselves to move forward when we are not ready and need to slow ourselves down. At other times we get a bit stuck in our grieving process and need someone to help us to gently move from that place. Still others might have turned to addictions or other things to cope…and need to get some help to allow their pain in a healthier manner.

There is no perfect way to grieve. There are just ways that are more healthy than others. We just need to honor our own process and our own feelings. Then we can make healthy choices that are healing for our soul.

Blessings as you gently follow your heart.